Why you should fear stupid socks
Do you ever wear those little ankle socks? You know, the kind you wear with running shoes when you want people to see how shiny your shins are and how sculpted your calves? I love and hate these socks.
They would comprise about 50% of my freelance footwear, except for a minor inconvenience. They don’t stay on your feet. Ever. 6 minutes into running (walking? waddling?), they’re somewhere up by your toes in an uncomfortable, irretrievable ball. Laces you’ve spent ages tying just so have to be undone as you wiggle to get your shoes off, one then the other, on a busy road as drivers honk and idiots leer. (Foot fetishists, I presume?)
Suddenly, shiny shins and sculpted calves don’t seem much of a benefit. The features suck.
My point.
The product’s not defective. If the socks arrived with holes, you’d complain. Yet it’s silly to return them – whether to store or manufacturer – explaining,
“These fall off my feet.”
Who could do that with a straight face? So I’m stuck with a cache of stupid socks. The supply will never know of the demand’s dissastisfaction.
My point for real.
Do you give your clients and customers a way to give you every kind of feedback? Even the broad stroke “your socks are stupid” kind? I know these socks will fall off and I buy them anyway. Embittered, begrudging customers – I’m guessing – aren’t who you’re after.
FreshBooks, god bless them, makes interaction easier than any business I know. You can’t avoid it – they come to you. Every time you log out, there’s the question. “How are we doing? Got something to say?” No need to find an email. No guilt for feeling like a whinger. You’re not complaining, they’re asking. It’s a huge difference.
If FreshBooks made socks, I wouldn’t feel stupid for begging MORE ELASTIC!
Comment cards are everywhere – banks, hotels, car rental agencies. I suspect people are hanging back with things to say – things you need to know. Put the card in their hands. Tell them who reads it and what action will follow. Make it clear who’s doing who the favour.
Be a FreshBooks, whose customers love you because you so obviously get it.
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P.S. My May newsletter went out today, full of sunshine. Want a copy? Subscribe now.
What else has been written about socks?
These are my socks. Sparkly white. Now please knock them off.
You + 1.3 billion Chinese
I thought I’d share a bit from my April newsletter – a 2-birds-1-stone trick that you won’t notice as I race the clock to write something genius.
April newsletter excerpt:
On writing for a Chinese audience
I’m writing to you from Shanghai, my family home of 10 years.
Outside – 18 million Shanghainese are getting on with their days.
Above – the World Financial Centre blocks the sun at 492 metres (1614′)
This is a country on the rise and – increasingly – on the move.
As visa requirements relax and disposable incomes grow, travel markets around the world will continue to welcome greater and greater numbers of Chinese tourists. It’s not news – but it needs your attention.
How can you appear utterly au fait the tastes and requirements of mainland Chinese travellers?
It’s got to start with your marketing.
When communicating to a Chinese audience in English, whether on your website or through direct correspondence, keep the following tips in mind:
Characters
Chinese uses characters, not letters and definitely not ‘symbols’. If you feel the urge to gain some points with an internet translation of a few friendly words – don’t. The room for error is big – and you’ll lose face. Face is a complex state of play tied to never embarrassing yourself or others.
Successful interaction depends on getting face – and keeping it. A sure-fire way to lose it forever? Get a ‘Chinese’ tattoo with a backwards, upside down or otherwise botched character. Westerners parading such things are a source of real mirth here in the Middle Kingdom. Stay away from languages you don’t know!
Red letters
Avoid using red font to write names. This indicates that harm will come to the person – death, specifically.
The number 4
In Mandarin, 4 sounds like the word for death. It’s very unlucky – much more so than the western notion of ‘13′. Avoid strings of 4s in phone numbers or email addresses.
The number 8
8 is great! Phone numbers with lots of 8s are very favourable.
Formality
Continue to address your contact by their title and last name unless they request otherwise. Polite, formal communication is advised.
Yes means yes and yes means no
Yes – in Chinese – means ‘correct’. If you phrase a question in a negative way and expect a no answer, the Chinese will respond ‘yes’. They mean ‘correct, no.’
Example:
‘You didn’t have any trouble finding us?’
‘Yes’. Meaning no. Switch the yes to ‘correct’ and it makes sense in English.
Youlikee?
Subscribe to my humble newsletter and strap yourself in for May’s bounty.
Want the full article? Just say please.
Why I should write your Christmas letter
This year, I’m going to trump even Hallmark in premature Christmas discussion. I realise it’s March, but I want to set this offer out in plenty of time: I want to write your family’s holiday letter.
Chrysty Fortner recently asked to be told if her baby was ugly. (So would I, for the record). I’d also want to know if my Christmas letter sucked.
They’re dangerous things. Filled with land mines you won’t notice until it’s too late. Unless the letter’s completely charming, or entirely sardonic, your friends might start to hate you.
To prove the necessity of this service, I stole 3 examples from my parents’ mail last year and copied them verbatim below.
Example A – The Deluded Brag-fest
“[Grown child] graduated from Brown last summer and is moving to England to take up a teaching position at a prestigious preparatory academy. We’re thrilled for her to represent her family, Brown and her country in the United Kingdom.”
Example B – The Whinge, with Supplemental Details
“In May I spent 2 weeks in Cyprus with my friend [Person You Don’t Know] and we had a good time. I was a little disappointed in the hotel. We had been promised a Greek lesson, Greek dancing and an exhibition of Greek cookery. When nothing turned up we enquired and were told there was no interest!
[Person You Don’t Know] wasn’t at all well so we were backward and forward to the hospital. She is on a strict diet (she is terribly overweight) and we just hope she will stick to it this time. Unfortunately she usually gives up.”
Example C – The Isn’t-My-Life-So-Much-Better-Than-Yours + Constant Name Drop
“We spent from January to April in Santa Barbara. Had a great time socially including lots of golf, tennis and boating. Then went over to Colorado for a week with [People You Don’t Know] and enjoyed a week’s skiing. We both then went over to Washington to stay with [People You Don’t Know] and visit with [People You Don’t Know] and their kids. After Seattle we drove down to Portland and caught up with [People You Don’t Know].
Once back in the UK at the end of May with [People You Don’t Know] we headed off for Norway to visit with [Man You Don’t Know] in one of his cabin’s [sic] by his fiord.
We had a lovely long weekend in the famous Portuguese city of Porto in Sept. With [People You Don’t Know] to celebrate [Person You Don’t Know]’s 50th birthday.
Soon we will be going to celebrate [People You Don’t Know]’s 30th wedding anniversary at an old farmhouse – should be great fun with a murder mystery dinner and other many other activities!”
Mirth or suppressed rage? Can’t decide.
Are Christmas letters really their own awful breed or do we judge them more harshly because we know the hoodwinking authors? Regardless, they’re each their own failed case study: how to desecrate copywriting rules.
1. Appeal to your audience…or you’ll lose them
No points awarded in this round. We’ve had mail merge capability for decades – there’s no excuse to write a batch letter to your entire address book. Witness example C – a slew of who-dats?
2. Don’t brag
You won’t get away with it. Remember – it’s not about you. It’s got to be all about the reader, all the time. The acceptable limit is to brag about one thing. ONE THING. The thing at which you’re absolutely, positively the best. [Grown child graduated from Brown!] Yay! We can be happy about that. Don’t continue with the resumé, we’ll get bored. And we’ll hate you.
3. Don’t give us too much information!
Woahh! Didn’t need to know about your fat friend!
We’re in a narcissistic age. Cultivating adoration is fine on Crackbook or Twitbook (in fact, I think it’s the point). In the real world, you can’t afford for it to be about you. People – whether readers or customers – won’t stick around. As for your friends? If they don’t want to read your awful Christmas letter – who will?