Why I should write your Christmas letter
This year, I’m going to trump even Hallmark in premature Christmas discussion. I realise it’s March, but I want to set this offer out in plenty of time: I want to write your family’s holiday letter.
Chrysty Fortner recently asked to be told if her baby was ugly. (So would I, for the record). I’d also want to know if my Christmas letter sucked.
They’re dangerous things. Filled with land mines you won’t notice until it’s too late. Unless the letter’s completely charming, or entirely sardonic, your friends might start to hate you.
To prove the necessity of this service, I stole 3 examples from my parents’ mail last year and copied them verbatim below.
Example A – The Deluded Brag-fest
“[Grown child] graduated from Brown last summer and is moving to England to take up a teaching position at a prestigious preparatory academy. We’re thrilled for her to represent her family, Brown and her country in the United Kingdom.”
Example B – The Whinge, with Supplemental Details
“In May I spent 2 weeks in Cyprus with my friend [Person You Don’t Know] and we had a good time. I was a little disappointed in the hotel. We had been promised a Greek lesson, Greek dancing and an exhibition of Greek cookery. When nothing turned up we enquired and were told there was no interest!
[Person You Don’t Know] wasn’t at all well so we were backward and forward to the hospital. She is on a strict diet (she is terribly overweight) and we just hope she will stick to it this time. Unfortunately she usually gives up.”
Example C – The Isn’t-My-Life-So-Much-Better-Than-Yours + Constant Name Drop
“We spent from January to April in Santa Barbara. Had a great time socially including lots of golf, tennis and boating. Then went over to Colorado for a week with [People You Don’t Know] and enjoyed a week’s skiing. We both then went over to Washington to stay with [People You Don’t Know] and visit with [People You Don’t Know] and their kids. After Seattle we drove down to Portland and caught up with [People You Don’t Know].
Once back in the UK at the end of May with [People You Don’t Know] we headed off for Norway to visit with [Man You Don’t Know] in one of his cabin’s [sic] by his fiord.
We had a lovely long weekend in the famous Portuguese city of Porto in Sept. With [People You Don’t Know] to celebrate [Person You Don’t Know]’s 50th birthday.
Soon we will be going to celebrate [People You Don’t Know]’s 30th wedding anniversary at an old farmhouse – should be great fun with a murder mystery dinner and other many other activities!”
Mirth or suppressed rage? Can’t decide.
Are Christmas letters really their own awful breed or do we judge them more harshly because we know the hoodwinking authors? Regardless, they’re each their own failed case study: how to desecrate copywriting rules.
1. Appeal to your audience…or you’ll lose them
No points awarded in this round. We’ve had mail merge capability for decades – there’s no excuse to write a batch letter to your entire address book. Witness example C – a slew of who-dats?
2. Don’t brag
You won’t get away with it. Remember – it’s not about you. It’s got to be all about the reader, all the time. The acceptable limit is to brag about one thing. ONE THING. The thing at which you’re absolutely, positively the best. [Grown child graduated from Brown!] Yay! We can be happy about that. Don’t continue with the resumé, we’ll get bored. And we’ll hate you.
3. Don’t give us too much information!
Woahh! Didn’t need to know about your fat friend!
We’re in a narcissistic age. Cultivating adoration is fine on Crackbook or Twitbook (in fact, I think it’s the point). In the real world, you can’t afford for it to be about you. People – whether readers or customers – won’t stick around. As for your friends? If they don’t want to read your awful Christmas letter – who will?
Screw you, College Board
In the U.S. school system, high school kids rely on strong SAT scores for university acceptance. Until recently, this meant 800 points for math and 800 for verbal skills.
It was a strange system. A student could receive top marks in one category, fail the other and the lopsided genius would end up at the local community college.
It all makes sense now. They were trying to tell us, “You need both math and verbal skills to survive in the real world!” Wonky brains won’t work if you need to switch sides and tip the pizza boy or write a birthday card. So, College Board, I finally concede that I do need mathematics to finesse daily life.
But my math skills only take me so far (usually to the door, with the pizza). We creative types know to hire an accountant or financial help when needs soar beyond our algebraic reach. The converse does not seem to hold true for the math-brained world.
My exhibits A, B and C
This email
The 2 HSBC bank managers (two!) who asked me how to spell Shanghai.
“What does HSBC stand for?!?” I asked, incredulous.
“Why, the Hong Kong Shanghai Bank!” They answered by rote.
“Uh huh….”.
*Blank stare*
“S-H-A-N-G….”
And OnlineMarketer, who will only trust his money to a bank that can handle high school English.
Final score: math geeks 0, cool kids 3
College Board, could you please do some follow up? It seems your left-brained champions need a refresher in their verbal aptitude.
Yea, yea, yea… in 2005 you added a writing section. Too little, too late! Your negligence means there are generations of untested, unashamed illiterates out there.
I think the math crew needs to retire their spell check and give one of us a call.
Related post:
12-step programme: stop killing the apostrophe
These are my socks. Sparkly white. Now please knock them off.
Seriously.
Seriously?
Disbelieving expletives, said aloud when businesses disappoint.
You can say it one of two ways – deadpan with one eyebrow raised or higher pitched, eyes wide with dismay.
You expect me to be happy with that?
Is that the best you can do?
I tried to plan a small holiday this weekend. I found a cottage online that, at first glance, seemed that it would satisfy my impossible family.
Email inquiry:
Could you send us any more details please? Info regarding destinations within walking distance would be much appreciated.
Response:
You can find out more, check availability and book online at <<website>>. A 30% deposit is required on booking,Just follow the Book Online link and select your required dates.
Say it with me! Seriously?
(Biting lip and ignoring butchered English). The website doesn’t have the info I want, that’s why I emailed. And I definitely didn’t ask, “Hey, how do I give you some money right now”. I want to be your customer, but you need to impress me first. My socks, think of my socks!
Seriously.
The proprietor’s obviously busy – no blame laid there. A long email written to someone only casually interested might not seem worthwhile. Buuut…she lost me. I’m not being a whinging pom, promise, this happens a lot across all sorts of businesses.
It’s very convenient for a copywriter to have these frustrations, isn’t it? I’m about to come out and say, “if only she’d had a …a brochure!”
Well! That’s all it would have taken. No other property – nobody – has had such a thing available after epic Google quests. I’m only trying to make sure my family doesn’t kill each other – without nearby diversion it’s a high probability.
Does anyone have a happy story – from a consumer’s point of view – of a business that gets it? Fire at leisure, I’ll just be sitting here with my high expectations. Waiting. Ready to be impressed.
Read 5 more reasons why you need an online brochure.
Obama has more fun
Thanks to a recent Youtube foray, I’m now fully in love with Obama up to date on politics. This much is clear: Obama has more fun.
Compare, contrast:
- Obama dances, laughs (and dances again)
- McCain sits: too old, too grumpy
It’s likely that #10 has seen the only dancing it’s going to get (thanks Hugh), though I’d be interested to see Gordo try.
Enough with the baby-kissing, give us some reality. In this, Obama trumped his competition. While McCain was promising, stiff-necked, “I-have-a-smile-in-my-voice-and-I’m-going-to-show-you,” Obama simply danced.
Credibility, meet personality.