12-step programme: stop killing the apostrophe
Look carefully. Here we have two innocent little babies, curled helplessly in foetal position. Handle them carefully, or you might drop them. You’ll hurt them if you do. You’ll lose credibility, no one will trust you again – and the clean up’s messy. So we’ll avoid killing the apostrophe, yes?
Here’s the path to recovery, in 12 easy steps.
1. Admit you have a problem – It’s ok, you’re in the safety of your anonymous interwebbed life. I won’t know. Just admit to yourself, out loud:
My name is X and I don’t know how to use an apostrophe. I force them into plural words where they don’t want to go. Yes, that’s me, I commit these crimes because I don’t know any better. I want help.
2. Realise you need help from others – Yes, yes you do! Find it here, here, here, there, over here, try this and how about this.
3. For the greater good of mankind, decide to take action – It will not only restore your sanity – but mine too. Oh thank heaven.
4. Assess the impact your apostrophe crimes have had – Lost credibility, rolled eyes, dejected sighs from potential customers as they click elsewhere and run for dear life.
5. You accept responsibility – For these past mistakes you have no one to blame but yourself (and perhaps lousy English teachers and too much TV).
6. You focus on the future – The properly punctuated future and look forward to the positive changes you can make.
7. You actively commit to making whatever changes are necessary – Hurray! You’ll need some help and (surprise!) I’m only too happy to provide it. Print this little chart and tape it to your monitor. Hum the rules softly in your sleep.
8. You make amends – For past crimes you will shoulder the burden of teaching others that “other’s” is not how to make the word plural. You will call others on their mistakes and only settle for what is right.
9. Forgive those who wronged you – However you came by this awful addiction to dead wrong apostrophe usage, you forgive your teachers for their miserable shortcomings.
10. Reflect on the past – Consider the sentences wasted and sentiment lost, your kingdom for a retarding force.
11. No excuses – You must remain vigilant to the creeping habit of apostrophe butchering. Keep your handy reference chart with you no matter what.
12. Inner peace – It’s yours for the simple commitment to using our apostrophe baby right.
And now, let us take a moment to remember those apostrophes used in ignorance in just the last week alone. Please take some time to reflect upon my Tapestry of Travesty. May their deaths not be in vain.
Plenty more where this came from – subscribe to my feed now!
Related post: So verb’s need apostrophe’s too?
This is so awesome. I have many people I can/should forward this to.
THANK YOU!!!! The mis-use of this poor lttle creature has always been a pet peeve of mine. I have forwarded this to those on my email list (and several abusers). I wish others would just learn how to use it, not randomly throw it in wherever they think it might fit. Bless you!
This is quite possibly the most brilliant thing I have ever seen. I’m going to hang that cartoon up in my cubicle and hope my co-workers pay attention.
On behalf of those who suffer daily because of others apostrophe abuse, I salute you!
Thanks guys, really glad you liked it – so glad we form a united front – next step, Tazers!?
And how about when it is possessive, as in “it bit its tail”?
the question remains…”its” vs. “it’s”…my only apostrophe related grammatical crisis.
@Laura – yes, wholly agree – but find the apostrophe in plural words a much more alarming problem – baby steps! (or is that step’s?)
@Jae – if that’s your only concern then thank your stars for operating on a higher plane than (seemingly) much of the English-speaking world!
[...] 12-step programme: stop killing the apostrophe on Ballywick [...]
[...] 12-step programme: stop killing the apostrophe [...]
DM, I think you meant to write: “…On behalf of those who suffer daily because of others’ apostrophe abuse…”
Yes: others’, not others. Others’, others’, OTHERS’!!! Don’t let plurals distract you from those pesky genitives.
I would say I hate to be pedantic, but then I would be lying.
…And we’re all about honesty here, Gerran. Saluting you.
[...] Are people going to score points on your blog or website? Seek help now. 12-step programme: stop killing the apostrophe. [...]
Finally got around to reading this! Hilarious! Keep up the good work!
[...] a nod to the success of any good 12-step programme, read on for my official SEO Carbo-Loading programme. I welcome new [...]
[...] asked where I got my popular 12-step apostrophe programme. That I wrote it myself surprised [...]
I was teaching college, stuff such as neuropathology and the evolution of the brain. I filled out a form and said I had gotten all As in all my science courses, but Bs is some English courses, ones not related to report writing. The head of the English department came to my office to laugh his head off at me. He said, “No wonder I got lower grades in English.” He showed me how to write A’s and B’s. I have looked this up in every grammar book I have picked up since (not all that many). The vote was half-and-half, about the same as the fight over the comma before the last in a list before the “and.” How am I supposed to know what is correct? Why do you involve the rest of us in your battles. Fight it out and then let us know.
There seems to be a bit of confusion over its and it’s.
Simple – if it’s a contraction of it is and it is then it’s it’s!
If it denotes posession as in:
At university it’s important to submit each assignment by its due date
it’s because its is a possessive pronoun indicating possession in the same way as:
my: belonging to me
your: belonging to you
his: belonging to him
her: belonging to her
our: belonging to us
their: belonging to them
its: belonging to it